Help Me Save My Car June 15, 2007 Current Mood: Angry- --- Some of you may know that me and the evil she-bitch broke up. After I loaned her $18, gave her a metallica tape and won her a stuffed pandabear at the firemans carnival. I need to clear up a few things. (1) There is a 12% probability that it isn't mine because we never did it until THE DAY AFTER she and Uncle Fred broke up. I know what you're thinking you perv -- and it's not incest if your uncle is only your uncle because your mom says he is and then he doesn't come over anymore. (2) Her name is really spelled Rickey. She started spelling it "Rikki" in 3rd grade because she said k was a cuter letter and "two is really cute" plus she wanted to be able to dot two i's with little hearts. (3) She lied about her age. I started to realize this when her schedule suddenly freed up around June 6. Besides, who the hell reads Western Civilization by Mr. Houghton Mifflin for fun or "personal enrichment?" Do you know how many pages are in that fucker? (4) Number 2 is proof that she is a lying duplicitious whore. This is why I need help raising money for DNA testing so I don't have to sell my car to pay for diapers and for her drunk neighbor to watch the kid while RICKEY Jo spends my 18 bucks. Whatever you can lend me, I promise to pay you back. to be continued...   I Think Me And Rikki Are Going To Get Back Together June 17, 2007 My former stepbrother Lyle Wayne called me this morning and said "Eddie-Dwayne, you would not believe what that crazy ass ex of yours did this time!" The he threatened to call the cops on Rikki for vandalising his septic tank which came up from the ground last week because of mine subsidence out back of his house. "Like Lazarus the biblical character, not the department store" Lyle's wife keeps repeating all the damn time or whenever she gets a few wine coolers in her. I think that thing's still floating next to the swingset because she doesn't want Lyle Wayne to re-bury it. When he does, she won't have a story to tell when company comes over. Anyway, I asked Lyle how come he knows it was Rikki and he just asked me exactly how many knocked up girlfriends have I dumped recently? Then he laughed. So I called Rikki Jo up and she admitted that she spraypainted Lyle-Wayne's septic tank because she's scared of heights so the railroad trestle was out. I think she might've been a little worried about the welfare of our unborn child, too. I took a picture of the septic tank today and here it is My highschool guidance counselor once said that if your not into oral you should try writing your feelings which is what I think Rikki was doing here even though Lyle Wayne says he doesn't think Rikki has a problem expressing herself orally. I think he's just pissed about his septic tank and jealous that his wife doesn't express HERSELF. Between the coolest love note anyone's ever written me and the fact that I think Rikki Jo would make a kickass mom, I'm thinking we might be able to work things out. And I'm not just saying that to save my car.

Eddie Dwayne Is No Ones Bitch Least of all this guy ("Kamikaze,"above). June 19, 2007 My cousin says myspace is full of con artists trying to rip you off. Or worse. At first I thought he was just trying to be bring me down like R Kelly... since I've got all these hot new lady friends and all, Joey's been a little jealous. But then this guy from the hood in Somerset hunted me down here on myspace making me realize the pareils of the internet. Perrier and me did time together in the security tent at ozzfest a few years back. I got busted for fighting (it could have been worse but Joey ate all those shrooms I bought from a bag boy out back of market basket -- I owe you man, tho I cant believe you ate a pound of those "portobellows" and still drove home). I don't know what Perrier was in for, probably a drive by. But he tried to make me his bitch so I had to kick his ass. Now Perrier's out and I think he's coming after me. He sent me this message: I think it might ebonyonics for "don't drop the soap." Because I'm going to have a kid to worry about, I think I'll ask Joey if its ok if I crash at his parents house for a couple days. Just until this blows over. I hear Derek and Rachel are going to see Poison tomorrow. Yeah, I was going to go but I can't because I've got a real estate transaction to make. I'm not still banned from post gazette pavillion or nothing, I've just got important shit to do tomorrow. But I would advice anybody going down there to keep a carton of smokes and some porno in the car in case you need something to trade later, if you know what I mean.. I Got A Real Estate Now. June 20, 2007 I told Rikki Jo that this time around I plan on being a lot more than just a baby's daddy to the newest little Eddie Jr. on the way. Part of "manning up" as Uncle Fred would say is making sure your kid has a stable home and a job. So in between in between cleaning Joeys old bb gun and searching his room for porno, I decided to make an offer on a place I had my eye on. It would've been a steal at twice the price especially seeing how Mr. Thomas said I could keep the Santa and Baby Jesus lawn statue (which he said was a valuable antique). Then, if I promised to move my new Love Shack "somewhere far far away" by the end of the day, he'd throw in the World's Best Teacher fuzzy dice that I had admired in his office. Luckily I had just the spot. Lyle-Wayne said he wasn't mad about the septic tank no more and to prove it, he'd make me a good deal on a piece of his property. His lawyer told him that he couldn't sell to just anyone but Lyle Wayne said that "because we were sort of family," he didn't think I counted. Now, not only do I have a "previously enjoyed" modular-type home but I also have a place to put it! Which got me thinking about getting into a homebased business. I was so excited that I had Rikki go out and find me a sign which she even personalized. Joey said the name of my new business "works on many different levels." I'm going to be the Donald Damn Trump of Cambria County!